第一篇：英語笑話
two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps, "my friend is dead! what can i do?". the operator says "calm down. i can help. first, let's make sure he's dead." there is a silence, then a shot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says "ok, now what?"
簡單翻譯:
兩個獵人在森林裏打獵,突然甲倒下了.並且看上去不再呼吸了,眼睛也變得呆滯.
乙趕緊拿起電話打給救護中心,上氣不接下氣的説:"我的朋友死了,怎麼辦?."
服務人員説:"淡定,我有辦法.首先,我們嘚確保他是死了." 安靜了一會兒,電話裏響起了一陣槍聲,電話那頭乙説道:"好了,那接下來怎麼辦."
下面是被評選世界第二搞笑的笑話：
sherlock holmes and dr watson were going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: “watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
watson replied: “i see millions and millions of stars.”
holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”
watson replied: “well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
and holmes said: “watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
簡單翻譯:甲乙一起去野營.他倆在星光下搭好帳篷然後睡去. 半夜的某時,甲叫醒乙:"抬頭看看那些星星,然後告訴我你發現了什麼?"乙:"我看見好多好多的星星."
甲:"如此你能推斷出什麼結論?"
乙回答道:"嗯...假如天上有無數的恆星,而且其中一些有自己的行星,那麼很有可能就會有像地球一樣的星球存在.假如有像地球一樣的星球存在,那裏還可能存在生物."
甲無語:"你個sb.這説明有人偷了我們的帳篷."
第二篇：英語笑話
英語笑話
笑話一：a woman gets on a bus with her baby. the bus driver says: "that's the ugliest baby that i've ever seen. ugh!" the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. she says to a man next to her: "the driver just insulted me!" the man says: "you go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, i'll hold your monkey for you."(某女士帶着寶寶坐公交車。司機説：“這是我見過最醜的寶寶。噢!”該女走到車廂後部坐下來，正惱怒得七竅生煙。她對鄰座的男子説：“那司機剛才辱罵我!”男子説：“你過去讓他滾——去吧，我會幫你把這猴子看好的。”)
笑話二：sherlock holmes and dr watson were going camping. they pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night holmes woke watson up and said: "watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." watson replied: "i see millions and millions of stars." holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?" watson replied: "well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. and if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." and holmes said: "watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."(福爾摩斯和華生出去露營。他們在星空下支起帳篷然後入睡了。半夜時分，福爾摩斯叫醒華生，説：“華生，抬頭看看天空，然後告訴我你看到了什麼。”華生答道：“我看見了數以百萬計的星星。”福爾摩斯説：“那你從這可以推斷出什麼結果呢?”華生又答：“哦，如果有幾百萬顆星星的話，即使裏面只有少數的一些行星，那麼就有可能存在像地球那樣的行星。如果有像地球那樣的行星，那上面就可能會有生命存在。”福爾摩斯：“華生你這個白痴，這意味着有人偷了俺們的帳篷。”
笑話三：two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. he doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps, "my friend is dead! what can i do?" the operator says "calm down. i can help. first, let's make sure he's dead." there is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. back on the phone, the guy says "ok, now what?"(兩個獵人在樹林裏，這時其中一人倒下地。這人似乎已經沒有呼吸，眼睛也呆滯無神。另一個傢伙拿出電話呼叫應急服務。他氣喘吁吁地説：“我的朋友掛了!我該怎麼辦?”話務員説：“冷靜點，我可以幫你。首先，要確認他死了。”對方在電話裏安靜下來，然後聽到一聲槍響。那廝拿回電話：“搞定了，現在該幹嘛了?”)
第三篇：英語笑話
1.a boy swore to a girl: 'honey, do please marry me, otherwise i'll die'
the girl refused. sixty years later, the boy died.
一男生向一女生髮誓：親愛的，請你一定要嫁給我，不然我會死掉的
女孩拒絕了。六十年後，那個男生死掉了。
her: johnny, why are you late for school every morning?
johnny: every time i come to the corner, a guidepost（路牌，路標） says, 'school -- go slow' 老師：約翰，為什麼你每天早上都遲到呢？
約翰：每次我走到街角的時候，都有一塊路牌寫着：“學校-小心慢行”
her: tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? and where is your homework book? tom: sorry, miss. i met a robber on my way to school this morning...
teachse: oh, my gosh! so terrible! did he robber anything from you?
tom: robbed my homework book....
老師：湯姆，你今天為什麼遲到這麼久？還有你的家庭作業本呢？
湯姆：對不起，老師，我今天在上學的路上遇上了一個搶劫犯……
老師：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他搶了你什麼東西沒有？
湯姆：他……他搶走了我的家庭作業本……
4.a male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. she noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. wow, she thought, this crab is really special. i can't let him get away. so they got married immediately.
the next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "what happened?" she asked." you used to walk straight before we were married."
"oh, honey, " he replied, "i can't drink that much every day.
一隻雄蟹遇到一隻雌蟹，便要娶她為妻。她注意到他走路是直着走，而不是橫着走。哇！她想，這隻雄蟹可真特別，我可不能讓他跑了。因此他們立刻結婚了。
第二天，她又發現她的新郎像其他蟹一樣橫着走路了。她深感不安。“你怎麼了？”她問，“我們結婚前你可是直着走路的。”
“哦，寶貝，”他回答説，“我不可能每天都喝那麼多many years after receiving my graduate degree, i returned to the state university of new york at binghamton as a faculty member. one day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. i said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since i began there as a student.
when the door finally opened, i felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "you'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "perseverance is a virtue."美 德
獲取研究生學位多年以後，我回到位於賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯裏很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我説自我在那裏當學生起，20年來電梯一直沒有換過。
最後當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑。“你會拿到學位的，親愛的，”她低聲説道：“堅持不懈是一種美德。”
1.和買驢的人
a man wanted to buy an ass. he went to the market, and saw a likely one. but he wanted totest him first. so he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.
the new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable. when the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back to
his owner. the owner felt quite surprised. he asked the man, "why are you back so soon? haveyou tested him already?" "i don't want to test him any more," replied the man, "from thecompanion he chose for himself, i could see what sort of animal he is."
中文：一個買主到市場上去買驢，他看中一頭外表不錯的驢，但是他想要牽走試一試。他把驢牽回家，放
在自己其他的驢之間，這驢四處看看，立即走向一頭好吃懶做的驢旁邊。於是，買驢的人立刻給那頭驢套
上轡頭，牽去還給驢的賣主。賣主感到很奇怪，他問買主：“你怎麼這麼快就回來了？”買主説：“不必
再試了，從他所選擇什麼樣的朋友來看，我已經知道他是什麼樣了。”
looney bin
瘋人院
late one night at the insane asylum (瘋人院）one inmate shouted, "i am napoleon!"
another one said, "how do you know?"
the first inmate said, "god told me!"
just then, a voice from another room shouted, "i did not!"
一天晚上，在瘋人院裏，一個病人説："我是拿破崙！"另一個説："你怎麼知道？"第一個人説："上帝對
我説的！"一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來："我沒説！"
notes:
（1）looney (俚語）瘋子
（2）inmate（n.同住者,同室者(特指在醫院、監獄)）
（3）insane asylum (瘋人院）
3.a mother mouse
老鼠的第二語言也重要
a mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she
spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. she watched the cat, and
the cat watched the mice.
mother mouse barked fiercely, "woof, woof, woof!" the cat
was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "now, do you
understand the value of a second language?"
一隻母老鼠帶着孩子出來散步，突然她看見一隻貓正在灌木叢中虎視耽耽。
母老鼠向着貓叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，貓聽了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回過頭洋洋自得的對孩子説：“現在你知道外語的重要性了吧。”1、life after death死後重生
"do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"yes, sir." the new recruit replied."well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
“你相信人能死後重生嗎？”老闆問他的一個員工。
“我相信，先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。
“哦，那還好”。老闆接着説。
“你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮後，她老人家到這兒看你來了。”
2、talking clock
會説話的鐘
while proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "what is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "that is the talking clock," the man replied. "how's it work?"
"watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "knock it off, you idiot! it's two o'clock in the morning!"
一個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那個大銅鑼和錘子是幹什麼用的？”他的一個朋友問他。“那玩意兒厲害了，那是一個會説話的鐘”，學生回答。“這鐘怎麼工作的”，他的朋友問。“看着，別眨眼了”，那學生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拼命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁牆那邊有人狂叫，“別敲了，你這白痴！現在是凌晨兩點鐘了！”
3、pig or witch
豬還是女巫
a man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. a woman is driving down the same road. as they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "pig!!" the man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "witch(女巫)!!" they each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. if only men would listen.
一個男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個女人相向駕車而來。他們相遇時，那個女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬！！”那個男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫！！”他們繼續前行。這個男的在下一個路口轉彎時，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。要是這個男的能聽懂那個女人的意思就好了。
4、blind date
相親（笑話）
after being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.""thank heavens," his date replied. "if yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和相親對象呆了一晚上後，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出一副陰沉的表情，説：“有個不幸的消息，我的祖父剛剛去世了。”“謝天謝地！”他的約會對象説，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”
5、 the mean man's party
吝嗇鬼的聚會
the notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. when the door open, push with your foot."
"why use my elbow and foot?"
"well, gosh," was the reply, "you're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時説：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了後，再用你的腳把門推開。”
“為什麼我要用我的肘和腳呢？”
“天哪！” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空着手來吧？”一、
我們什麼也沒留下we left nothing
mrs brown was going out for the day. she locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: "nobody home. don?t leave anything." when she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. on the note she had left, she found the following message added:"thanks! we haven?t left anything!" 我們什麼也沒留下
布朗太太要外出一天。 她鎖好了房門，在門上給送牛奶的人釘了一張便條：“家裏沒人，請不要留下任何東西！” 她當天晚上回家後發現房間門被撞開，房子被洗劫一空。在她留給送奶人的便條上，她發現被補充了一句：“謝謝！我們什麼也沒留下！”
我去應聘時，考官是一漂亮小姐，一緊張我説了如下內容：
二、
“my name is ?old five wang?”（我叫王老五）
“i boom （炸出）at 1971year！”（我生於1971年）※born我念成了boom，反正很像。 “my toyear is 28year”（今年28歲）※事後才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear。 “my home have a papa and a mama and a didi”（家裏有爸媽跟一個弟弟）※其實我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太順了，所以念成didi。
“and a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us”（還有一個叔叔與一個表妹一個表姐跟我們住在一起）※事後才知表姐表妹都錯了，watch是表沒錯，但是watch是指手錶。可是我發誓讀書時英文沒教過表姐妹的英文。
“my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”（我的興趣是唱歌、看電影、操作電腦和壓馬路）※我念到操作電腦時，她有咦的一聲，這小姐會不會聽不懂。後來我才知道英文罵人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。
“my special long is up internet、sales、play power move
game and beat word”（我的專長是上網、業務、玩電動玩具和打字）
“in the future i hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy”（在未來我希望能去環遊世界和能幫助每一個人都很快樂）
“thank you and over！”（謝謝！完了！）
那小姐整整愣了一分鐘。
三、
next time that you think you?re having a bad day
the average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the valdez oil spill in alaska was $80,000. at a special ceremony, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. a minute later, a killer whale ate them both.
阿拉斯加瓦爾迪茲發生石油泄漏以後，救援每隻海豹的平均費用達到8萬美元。在一個特別的儀式上面，有兩隻花鉅款拯救回來的海豹，在人們的歡呼和掌聲中被放回大自然。一分鐘後，它們雙雙被一頭殺人鯨吞入肚中。
四、
blind date(相親）
after being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date.
earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.
when he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"i have some bad news. my grandfather just died.
""thank heavens," his date replied. "if yours hadnt, mine would(一篇好範文帶來更多輕鬆) have had to!"
和相親對象呆了一晚上後,男人再也受不了了.
他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話,這樣他就能借故先離開了.
當他回到桌邊,他垂下眼睛,裝出一副陰沉的表情,説：“有個不幸的消息,我的祖父剛剛去世了.”
“謝天謝地！”他的約會對象説,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了！”
...
五、
小男孩與驢子 a small boy and a donkey
a small boy leading a donkey passed by an army camp.
a couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad. what are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.
so he wont join the army,英語笑話帶翻譯 the youngster replied without blinking an eye. 一個小男孩牽着頭驢子穿過部隊營房.
兩名士兵想跟小傢伙開個玩笑：小孩,你把你哥哥牽得這麼緊幹什麼？
這樣,他就不會去參軍了.小傢伙眼都不眨地回答道.
第四篇：英語笑話 英語故事
a good boy
little robert asked his mother for two cents.
"what gave you yesterday?"
did you do with the money i "i gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"you’re a good boy," said the mother proudly.
"here are are two woman?"
you so interested cents more. in but the why old "she is the one who sells the candy."好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。 ””昨天給你的錢幹什麼了？”我給了一個可憐的老太婆，“
你真是個好孩子，“媽媽驕傲地説。“他回答説。“再給 你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的。”
if i am a manager
one assigned day in class, the teacher composition his all the students began to write except – if i am a managerstudents to write .
a a boy. the teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“i am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer如果我是一個經理.
一天課上，老師要同學們以“如果我是一個經理”為題寫一篇作文。 所有的學生都在動筆寫了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他為什麼不寫。 “我在等我的祕書”。那孩子答道。
big hands
teacher: one otherhand if and i had eight seven oranges oranges in the in student: big hands.
, what would i have? 大手
老師：如果我左手上有7個桔子，右手上有8個桔子。那麼我有什麼？ 學生：大手。
it's not my fault
mother daughter): you mustn't pull the cat's (reprimanding her small tail.
daughter: i'm the cat's doing the pulling.
only holding it, mom. 不是我的錯
媽媽（正教訓她的女兒）：你不該拽貓的尾巴。 女兒：媽，我只是握着貓尾巴，它自己在拽。
to buy a video
amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.
i’m afraid we can’t afford one, sighed his motherbut on the following day in came
.
amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.
how on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mothereasy, mum. replied amos, i sold the .
television!
買錄像機
艾莫斯問媽媽他們是否能買一台錄像機。 恐怕我們還買不起，媽媽歎息着説。 可第二天當艾莫斯回來時，他搖搖晃晃地搬着一台全新的錄像機。
你究竟是哪兒來的錢買這東西？媽媽大吃一驚，喘着氣説。
媽媽，這簡單， 艾曼斯回答。我把電視機給賣了！
two pieces of cake
tom: mom, can i have two pieces of cake, please?
mom: certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!
兩塊蛋糕
湯姆：媽媽，我可以吃兩塊蛋糕嗎？ 媽媽：當然可以----拿這塊蛋糕把它切成兩塊吧！
第五篇：英語幽默笑話
you've lost your morality
你節操掉了
six people were travelling in a compartment on atrain.
有六個人搭乘火車旅行，坐在同一車箱內。
five of them were quiet and well behaved,
其中五個很安靜，也很規矩。
but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers.
但第六個是個粗魯的年輕人，給其他乘客招惹了許多麻煩。
at last this young man got out at a station with his two heavy bags. 最後，這位年輕人在一個車站帶着兩個沉重的皮箱下了車。
none of the other passengers helped him,
沒有一個旅客幫他的忙。
but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away and then opened thewindow and shouted to him,
有個人一直等到這位粗魯的年輕人走得很遠了，才打開窗户，對着他大聲喊：
"you left something behind in the compartment!" then he closed the window again.
“你把東西留在車廂裏了!”然後，又把窗户關了起來。
the young man truned around and hurried back with his two bags.
年輕人轉過身子，拎着兩個沉甸甸的皮箱，匆匆趕了回來。
he was very tired when he arrived, but he shouted through the window, "what did i leavebehind?"
他轉回來時，顯得非常疲倦，對着窗户大聲喊：“我把什麼東西留在車上了？”
as the train began to move again, the passenger who had called him back opened the windowand said, "you've lost your morality"
當火車再次啟動時，叫他回來的旅客打開窗户説：“你節操掉了！”
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