Walking up to a department store's fabric（織物，布） counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） 。 “That's fine,” said the girl. “I'll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly（故意使人煩惱地） held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer（老傢伙） standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
一個漂亮的。女孩走到百貨公司的布料櫃枱，説：“我想要買這種料子來做一條新裙子，多少錢？”
“每碼只需要一個吻。”男售貨員説着，帶着奸笑的表情“很好，”女孩説，“我要十碼。”
帶着期待的表情，售貨員很快地量好了布料，包裹好，一臉奸笑地送了過來。
女孩很快收起了包裹，微笑着指向了一個站在她身邊的老頭：“爺爺給我付賬。”
河上漂流（中英）
A man is walking past a travel agents office when he notices a billboard announcing, “4 day cruise down the Murray River $40 all inclusive.”
一個男人路過旅行社時，看到一個廣告欄上面寫着“順着墨累河漂流四天，全部費用只需40美元”。
Impressed by the low price, he races into the shop, slaps $40 onto the counter and announces, ”I' m here for the Murray cruise.” Quick as a wink, the travel agent whips out a baseball bat and knocks him unconscious.
面對如此低價的誘惑，他大步走進旅行社把40美元往桌上一拍，然後説:“我報名墨累河之遊。”眨眼間，旅行社的店員抽出一根棒球棍，一下就把那個人打昏了。
When the man wakes, he finds himself tied to a floating log and drifting down the river. After a time, he notices another man in same predicament on the other side of the river.
當那個人醒來之後，發現自己被捆在一個木筏上，正沿着河水往下漂呢。過了一會兒在河的另一邊，他看到一個和他處境一樣的人。
“$40 Murray cruise?” he calls out.
“40美元墨累河之遊？”他喊到。
”Yep!“ says the man on the other side.
“是呀！”那人答道。
”I'll bet you we don't even get breakfast,”he yells.
“我打賭我們還沒吃早飯呢。”他喊道。
“Well，”calls the other man, “we did last year.”
“對，”另一個人説，“我們去年吃過了。”
who want to go to heaven
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.
As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. ”All who want to go to heaven, please rise.“ Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering ”Be seated“， the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, ”All those who want to be with the devil, please rise.“
Awaking with a start ， the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit ， ”Well, sir,“ he said, ”I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it.“
牧師非常生氣，因為總有一個人在他説教時打瞌睡。
一個星期天，正當坐在前排的那個人又在瞌睡時，牧師決定要好好教育他一下，讓他不要再在佈道時睡覺。於是他低聲對信徒們説：“想去天堂的人，都請站起來吧。”所有的人都站了起來——當然，除了那個打瞌睡的人。在低聲説過請坐後，牧師高聲喊道：“想去下地獄的人請站起來！”
打瞌睡的人被這突然的喊叫聲驚醒了，他站了起來。看到牧師高站在教壇上，正生氣的看着他。這個人説道：“噢，先生，我不知道我們在選什麼，但看上去只有你和我是候選人。”
給丈夫最好的警告（中英）
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I' m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
我的丈夫對我時常波動的情緒很不高興。所以那天他給我買了一個心情戒指，那樣他就可以從戒指上看出我的心情。當我的心情好的`時候，那個戒指就會變成綠色。當我的心情不好的時候，在我丈夫的額頭上就會留下一大塊紅色的戒指印。
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
”I think my friend is dead!“ he yells. ”What can I do?“
The operator says, ”Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.“
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, ”Okay, now what?"
兩個獵人在森林裏打獵，突然一人暈倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滯。另外一個人掏出手機，撥打911。
“我想我的朋友死了！”他喊道，“我該怎麼辦？”
接線員説：“請冷靜。首先，請確認他是否真的死了。”接着一陣沉寂，然後是一聲槍響。回到電話中，獵人接着説：“好了，然後呢？”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
一個人正在看報紙，他的妻子走到他身後，用一隻煎鍋敲他的後腦勺。
He asks, What was that for?
他問道：“幹什麼？”
She says, I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it.
她説：“我在你口袋裏發現了一張寫有‘Betty Sue’的紙條。”
He says, Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on. She shrugs and walks away.
他説：“哎呀，親愛的，‘Betty Sue’是我賭的那匹馬的名字。”她聳了聳肩，走了。
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
三天後他正在看報紙，妻子走到他身後，又用一隻煎鍋敲他的後腦勺。
He asks, What was that for?
他問：“又幹嘛？”
She answers, Your horse called.
她答道：“你的馬打電話來了。”
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